Football Fix

I don't know about you folks, but I'm jonesing for some college football. As the counter at Burnt Orange Nation informs me today, there are 68 days left until the season starts. If, like me, you can't wait that long, it might help to check out Ivan Maisel's countdown of the top 100 moments in college football history. So far, he's revealed #100-#81. There were one or two I might have ranked higher, but it looks like a great start, and it should be a fun time seeing the rest of the list.

One of my favorite college football traditions is the telling of jokes on one's rival. There are plenty that are team/rivalry specific, and a lot of good ones that are interchangeable depending on that day's opponent. I heard one of the latter type this weekend, and it was new to me, so I thought I would pass it on. I have modified it to mock a common target on this site, but feel free to adjust it to suit your needs.

Bubba and Billy Bob are on a road trip and are walking down the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, lookee here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back home, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune! Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know."

They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are Tennessee fans, ain't you?"

"Well, yeah," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?!"

"Because this is a dry-cleaners."

Braves v. Cubs for Daughter's Heart

The in-laws are in town from Chicago and their are already creeping in on my intention to raise my daughter a Braves fan. As you can see, they are outfitting her in Cubs gear.

Raising my daughter a pro sports fan is going to get complicated. Can she cheer for the Saints and the Bears? The Braves and the Cubs? There are inherent conflicts! I will admit that I care much less about pro sports when compared with college sports, but I can't take this lying down. Anyone got a Reggie Bush onesie?

Paging Scott Howard: Munson Retiring?

UPDATE: The AJC reports that Munson will only call home games this coming year.

The day all Georgia fans knew was coming, but hated to think about has arrived. Larry Munson, voice of the Dawgs and inspirer or men, is contemplating retirement after 40 years in the box. Paul Westerdawg has continuing coverage. Larry evidently has all the normal health issues that surround being 84 years old. Larry and Georgia AD Damon Evans have discussed several contingency plans if Larry decides he's done before September.

Munson is revered both inside the Georgia community and even by rival fans (see No. 2 in Orson Swindle's most likable people post). He is not only the voice of the program, but in many ways it's soul as well. It's hard to overstate how much Larry is beloved by Dawg fans. Not having grown up a Dawg, I've learned Georgia football through Larry Munson and have, therefore learned to appreciate it through his eyes. He is a reflection of my own attitudes toward Georgia football: unreasonably pessimistic without being defeatist, yet excitable and overwhelmed by unexpected victory. He is an icon of Georgia football, impossible to replicate or replace.


With that preface, I think it is time for Larry to consider walking away. His calls have recently become more lethargic. It takes a while for him to figure out who's caught a ball (or get that info from his spotters). Larry's great, but he's been showing his age and he is well within his rights to leave Georgia fans with his considerable portfolio of mixtape material.

So who replaces Larry? The odds on favorite is Scott Howard, Larry's wingman for 14 years. I generally have a favorable impression of Howard from his time as the basketball announcer. He's as wonderfully unprofessional as Munson is. He's the guy you hear grunting or shouting in the background of some of Larry's great calls. He's the logical replacement. I've heard Georgia graduate and Braves announcer Chip Caray mentioned on the message boards, but I think that's a longshot at best. I would imagine that TBS has Chip on lockdown with his new contract. Buck Belue is on the radio in Atlanta, but I find Buck too sedate. He's more apt to be on TV than calling a game on radio. Brad Nessler is another possibility as he is an Atlanta resident and is generally a superb broadcaster. I could certainly endorse Nessler, but I like that Howard has put in his sweat equity already with the Dawgs fans. Whoever gets the nod will have to fill a huge void left by Larry. I don't envy their job a bit.

Oh, The Places You'll Go

My Aggie brother called this morning to report he had lined up a trip to Lincoln, Nebraska for me to see his Ags take on the Cornhuskers. I'm pumped. I've always talked about going to non-SEC stadiums to get the feel, but rarely acted upon it.
Nebraska's Memorial Stadium has a great reputation as one of the holy shrines of college football. The fans are supposed to be great and really know their football. I've even heard they applaud the visiting team as it comes off the field. There is one thing I'm not looking forward to, though: corn fed Husker women. I hope I'm wrong, but I can't see Lincoln in the same league as Oxford, Athens, or Tuscaloosa.

The game has gotten me thinking about where else I'd like to see a game. I've been to almost every place in the SEC except Gainsville. (Frankly, I can miss it, but its reputation alone means I have to go there at some point. On the bright side, I won't see UGA lose there.) The obvious answers are places like Michigan, Penn State, Oregon, Ohio State, Notre Dame and the Texas-OU game in Dallas. But, aren't there some other, smaller venues that would be fun? I thought of Boise State and the Army-Navy game in Philadelphia. One of the most fun games I've ever been to was when UTC played Marshall (led by Jim Donnan) in a I-AA game in Chattanooga back in 1993. The crowd was small, but vocal and witnessed a big upset as UTC beat the No. 1 ranked Thundering Heard. Terrell Owens caught four touchdowns for the Mocs. Also add West Virginia to the list just to see how far fans can descend into madness. I've never smelled a burning couch before.

Where else am I missing? Where do you want to go before you can't climb the ramps anymore?

LaRon Landry: Shot In Groin

Somewhere John Parker Wilson is laughing with Brody Croyle. It all comes full circle. After those highlight reel hits, LaRon Landry has gotten his comeuppance: paintball to the groin. Witnesses did report hearing a faint "Roll Tide!" after the fateful shot.

LaRon Landry, former LSU safety and destroyer of worlds, was shot in the groin in an amusing game of paintball with his Redskins teammates. There is no better way to build up team chemistry than by shooting balls of paint at each other at high velocity, especially if those paint balls end up in sensitive areas.

The only time I went paintballing, I found it an exercise in avoiding heat stroke and Lyme disease carrying ticks. For those of you who have never felt the need, or never gotten the opportunity, to shoot your coworker with a paintball gun, it's not that great. Of course, I've generally liked the people I work with. Shooting your office's version of Dwight Schrute might be worth the lasting impression of taking a paintball, just not to the groin. And you know that's where Schrute is aiming.

Fatherly Advice to My Daughter

Dan Shanoff, blogger extraordinaire and Gator fan by marriage, has started another outlet in his vast blog empire. This latest entry is titled "Varsity Dad." (Actually, VD started back in January, but I'm just now discovering it.) It's devoted to raising his son to be a sports fan and fatherhood in sports generally. Shanoff has his son Gabe and several of you know I have new baby daughter, Georgia Herschella.

I've been reading Varsity Dad recently and this got me to thinking not just about raising a sports fan, but specifically raising a daughter as a sports fan. As a general matter, girls don't obsess over sports like guys do, but the ones who do are awesome. I doubt seriously that I would have married wife had she not been interested in sports. Our first date was a Braves game. I decided I had to marry her after she requested to stay at the 2000 Independence Bowl after my Aggie brother's friends wanted to leave in the second quarter. Any woman willing to sit in a snow storm to watch two teams she cares nothing about deserves a ring.

In the interest of raising my daughter a sports fan, I offer my first advice to Georgia Herschella. Other advice will follow:

1. Support Mom and Dad's alma mater until you're in college. I am suspicious of any child whose cheered for any team other than their parent's school. They're like kids that cuss at their parents, it's jarring and frightening. What could have gone so wrong? I was an LSU fan even into law school because of my Mom and Dad. You should be barking at least until you graduate high school.

2. Go to the game. Before I played organized sports, I attended sporting events. So did your Mom. You don't need a knowledge of the game to enjoy it. Enjoy the crowd, the band, the jumbotron. Marvel that a boy can make 100,000 people gasp, cheer, or cry.

3. Don't be afraid of the weather. Rain is water. You bathe in it. Someday you will drink it. Rain is not an excuse to run for cover under the upper deck. Check the forecast and prepare accordingly. Your parents will do this for you for the foreseeable future. Learn from their example. (As a side note, I've noticed women's shoes for games where rain is likely is a problem. I suggest flip flops for the first couple of months of the season, but when it gets cold, wife gets nervous. Any suggestions are appreciated.) The only reasons to run for the concourses is lightning (Do not mess with lightning!) and excessive, Texas A&M caliber heat.

4. You may wear a cheerleader outfit at any time. Even to church.
5. Take an interest in what Dad watches and pay attention when he tells you something is important. I remember one of the first moments when I truly fell in love with sports was the 1985 NCAA basketball final between Georgetown and Villanova. Most of us have memories of that game or at least know the story. My Dad came and got me out of bed so that I could watch the second half. Dad watched closely, leaning for a shot to go in, pointing out important players and times in the game. I figured out that it was important, that I was watching something that not only I would remember for a long time, but that Dad would remember for a long time.

Ask questions whenever you want. Dad will be excited that you are showing an interest in sports. This will help you learn the rules for later.

Feel free to offer your own thoughts on my daughter's fandom.

Nifong's Tie

This photo, courtesy of the AP, shows Duke lacrosse rape case prosecutor Mike Nifong going to his North Carolina bar disciplinary hearing. Notice Mr. Nifong's necktie. Carolina blue. Nice touch.

Dave Neal Will Rule the Universe

If you've watched ESPNU, CSTV, or any of the Fox regional sports channels, you've no doubt seen the sustained barrage of commercials for the Big 10's new sports network. The channel is supposed to debut in August, but as MGoBlog details, the Big 10 is having problems figuring out just how people will see its programming because no cable carriers seem too interested in carrying the network on the channel lineup.

Undeterred by such problems, it seems the SEC has a similar idea after serious discussions took place at the SEC meetings last month in Destin. Sunday Morning Quarterback has some reservations about copying the Big 10 in this respect. Mike Slive has discussed that the SEC produces over 8,000 hours of sports programming. Not all of it can be consumed by the generous contract of CBS. Overall, CBS has done a great job. We get good games every week on an over the air channel. We have good, professional announcers like Verne Lundquist who at least sound like they appreciate the league. Hardcore SEC marks, though, want more. More games, more competition, more coverage that CBS (or ESPN or FOX Sports Net) would be foolish to broadcast nationally.

No doubt, people with sports watching problems, like myself, will eat up the SEC channel. As SMQ points out, if you add old games to the mix, then you have the potential for dominating the southern, 18-34 male for all the advertisers at Chevy, Copenhagen, Home Depot, and Dr. Pepper. Sure, there are flaws. Not many folks are going to be watching the Georgia-Auburn volleyball match, much less Vandy-Mississippi State football. The response in at least one aspect is that they aren't looking for a national audience, or even a regional audience. The target might be a subregional audience, say central Tennessee and northern Mississippi for the aforementioned Vandy-State game. I can certainly see the regional sports fan being more interested in SEC Olympic sports than the consistent jumble of regional and national sports programming of the FOX Sports outlets. Plus, the clear trend in sports programming is more fractionalization of media outlets, not less. Networks are become more and more specialized, including ESPN. The SEC is simply following the trend and trying to cut out the middle man by creating its own network.

What I really want out of the SEC channel is pure propaganda, an antidote to Mark May, Mike Lupica and all the other writers and commentators who the SEC fans cry about. On the SEC channel, we'll always be the best. If we lose, it will be because we "came out flat" or because Ron Zook somehow screwed it up, but we won't lose. It will be the Kool-Ade for Southern sports fans. After all, aren't we destined for the SEC channel? We already have websites devoted solely to the minutiae of your favorite team. You can now hear your team's radio call anywhere in the country. The question is not should we have the SEC channel. The question is when we will get the Alabama network or the LSU network? All your school's current and greatest athletic feats 24 hours a day. If we don't marginalize ESPN by consistently proving their analysts wrong, we can simply turn to our own homogenized media outlets, shutting our ears and diverting our eyes from anything else. Turn inward southerners!

One downside, Dave Neal as the Rich Eisen of the SEC Network.

Go On Back to Georgia

King Bee pointed me to Mark Schlabach's latest column on the best game he ever saw, the 2001 Georgia Tennessee game in Knoxville. I'd have to agree with him and say that was the best game I've ever seen in person. Wife somehow scrounged up two primo seats in the lower level of Neyland for the game and I drove down from the leisure of third year law school. The pregame was somewhat ominous because I had gotten royally ripped the night before at a party after literally hundreds of UT fans told me how they were going to disembowel us and put our heads on pikes the next day. Seriously hungover, I was struggling to find the correct stadium much less row and seat.

As a Dawg fan, I expected the worse. Georgia hadn't won in Knoxville since Herschel was a freshman, so I intended to take the beating like a man. Georgia just wouldn't cooperate. Not only did they fight back after the Vols jumped out to a big lead, they eventually took the lead, an occurrence almost unconceivable since Robert Edwards broke his foot in 1995. I remember we all celebrated when Jermaine Phillips made a crucial interception late in the game that stopped a decent Vol drive, but it was just the beginning of a wild last few minutes. As you can read in the column, Travis Stephens took a screen pass 62 yards for what almost every Georgia fan thought was the death blow that UT had routinely delivered to the Dawgs. I remember our seats were so low that I couldn't see Stephens after he crossed the 20. I just looked up at the orange wall of UT fans who were celebrating as if orange track suits were raining from the heavens and Peyton Manning was about to marry their daughters. I have never heard a louder stadium, ever, than Neyland on that play. It was the sound I would imagine produced by 100,000 poor people winning the lottery at once. I also remember this fat, greasy Vol trainer in short pants coming over in front of our section waving goodby to us and saying "Go on back to Georgia" over and over. Hatred is clothed in orange. Tennessee led by 4 with :44 left.

After a somewhat suspect Fulmer decision to squib kick, Georgia got it back at the UGA 41 and quickly marched down to the UT 6 on two clutch, impossible catches from Randy McMichael. Most SEC fans remember the play that won it for Georgia as the "Hobnail Boot" play because of Larry Munson's call of the play. (You can listen here after a scroll down.) Little known fullback Verron Haynes was left wide open after a play fake and caught an easy toss from David Greene.
In the UGA section, everything around me exploded. I'm not much of a celebratory screamer, but everyone else around me went into orgasmic, ecstatic fits of pleasure. Wife and I just looked at each other, rendered stupid and mute from the miracle. Here's a picture we took about 20 seconds after the play.
We went from a swift kick in the testes to the type of pleasure only illegal narcotics can duplicate.

Few things are as sweet as a road upset to a college football fan. In terms of the football game, big road games are high risk, high reward. Everything is stacked against you, so when you win, the fans stay in their section after the game is over to soak it all in. I'm sure we were in Neyland at least forty-five minutes after the game as the band played on.

Later that night at Toddy's in Knoxville, their live band played Rocky Top. I drug wife out to dance and she protested that she didn't like the song (although I'm sure the sobriety of her dance partner was what she was really protesting). I told her that we may never get another chance to dance to Rocky Top after a Georgia victory in Knoxville again. Thankfully, I've been proven wrong since.